Leaving & Cleaving: Removing The Fear Of Marriage


“I’m afraid you’re going to leave me.” Silence for a moment, and then the other spouse answered hesitantly, “I’m afraid of the same thing.” Are you afraid your spouse might leave? The reason why such fear exists is because there have been angry words exchanged, blame assigned, lack of forgiveness, harsh resentment, bitter feelings, unresolved conflict, and silence. All of these can turn a marriage into what seems more like distant roommates.

The reason why fear has crept into marriage is because people soon realize after marriage or just before their mate is not perfect. Those disappointments hurt us and turn into fears. We are afraid we married the wrong person. You find yourself dealing more with problems than with the joys of intimacy. If those differences and difficulties are not resolved, barriers go up. When barriers go up, communication lessens. When communication lessons, isolation takes up residence. When isolation exists, fear enters your heart because you lack trust in your spouse. Emotional walls are then built out of fear and a number of other feelings you never thought you would have. Next thing you know, you are afraid of what he will say about you in public. You are afraid she will not make you happy. You are afraid you do not love one another anymore. You are walking on eggshells. Your marriage is on shaky ground.

Removing fear begins at the beginning. Go back and walk on the path of commitment. Love has been lost, and fear replaced it. Get back to loving. Your marriage is not about your personal happiness. It is about honoring God in marriage and loving the other person. Every marriage needs security, safety, and protection. You can start that by tearing down the walls which isolate the two of you. Communicate your needs. Fall toward each other not fall back from one another. Learn something from your mate to help you see what you can do for him/her. Each person in marriage has a responsibility before God to live up to their promises. If you do “your” part, then together, we will do “our” part to keep the marriage growing without living in fear. Remember, what you did in the beginning is leave and cleave. Do something that will cause you to cleave every day. Then fear will be replaced by love, security,  peace, and safety. “There is no fear in love: but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath punishment; and he that  feareth is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18). Give God the place He deserves in your marriage. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous righthand” (Isaiah 41:10).